Finding Peace Amid the Pain

Today is the day. August 30th, 2017. My due date. The day I was suppose to be holding baby Fahrenbruck #3 in my arms. I was suppose to be sleep deprived, sore, and feeling completely unsure how I was going to survive being a mom of three- 3 and under. Today I was suppose to be on my couch with a proud big sis and a proud big brother fighting over who got to "pet" the new baby. Today I was suppose to look at my three blessings and wonder how it is possible to love all three little creatures so much in such different ways. Today was the day, but here I am. Empty-handed. No sweet newborn head to smell.

Now, before I go any further, I want you to know this is not an easy thing for me to discuss and that I am not writing this for you to feel sorry for me or to receive sympathy. I'm writing this for me. I'm writing this to acknowledge my unborn child. And I'm writing this to show God's goodness amid the pain of life. 

It was mid January when I started to question if I may be pregnant due to some overtiredness, which as a mom with 2 toddlers didn't make me overly concerned. We certainly weren't trying yet so by the time the purple plus confirmed it, I was already nearly 8 weeks along. This is when I'll get real with you. I cried. And then I cried because I cried. My life already felt so chaotic at times being a stay at home mom to two toddlers eighteen months apart, with one child having special needs. How on earth was I going to add a newborn to the mix? But how could I feel sad about a new life being added to our family? I love kids. I definitely wanted more kids, and from the moment I saw that purple plus I knew I loved that child more than anything, but it didn't seem real. It took the first part of the week for me to actually believe the tests were accurate and the rest of the week to get over my anxiety on what other people would say about us having another baby so close in age. (Which is ridiculous by the way.) After about a week and a half I finally was feeling excited, overwhelmed too, but very excited. I started making lists of potential names and Pinterest-ing (is that a verb now?) gender reveal ideas. I was ready for this baby! BUT in the back of my mind-something felt off! 

 Due to some insurance issues, I had finally set up my first prenatal appointment just shy of 11 weeks. I went by myself because we weren't about to take 2 screaming toddlers into an OBGYN clinic and I had already gone through it twice so it was nothing new. But when I got to the clinic my heart dropped. I sat in the driver side of our van and in my heart I knew something was wrong. I actually started to pray out loud, in my van, right in the parking lot. I said "God, give me Your peace." I was hoping that meant calm my anxious heart and make me stop thinking bad things, but now I truly understand the Peace I was asking for that day. 

Baby Fahrenbruck #3

The clinic had just opened and I was the first patient of the day. After the nurses checked my weight, blood pressure, etc I sat waiting in the room for my doctor. As I sat there waiting I felt my heart beating fast. In fact, it felt so fast that I checked my Fitbit and I was 30 beats over my typical resting heart rate. As the doctor walked in I put a smile on my face and acted like nothing was wrong, but in my heart I knew it was. The doctor came and did an ultrasound and honestly I thought they might not find anything-just an empty womb because I still wasn't 100% convinced I was pregnant at all. But sure enough there inside me was a developing little baby. My heart skipped laying my eyes on baby number 3 for the first time, but that heart skip soon turned into pounding as the doctors frantically searched for a heartbeat. After calling in doctor number 2, it was confirmed. Baby Fahrenbruck #3 was no longer alive. As the doctors surrounded me with their condolences, time seemed to stand still. I just sat there quietly trying to listen to what they were telling me. I kept straight faced, somber, but holding it together. Thinking back, I'm amazed at how kept together I was, as the doctors sat beside me discussing the different ways to "expel my dead child". (basically the words used) After all the unpleasant discussion I finally left the clinic with few tears in my eyes and walked to my car. I sat in the driver seat and finally broke. Tears were streaming down my face. I couldn't help but try to picture this son or daughter that I would never get to hold. Though my heart was completely broken I cannot explain the peace I felt as I drove out of the parking lot. 

Baby Fahrenbruck #3

The next few hours were long, and sad, and tiring. Thanks to some awesome friends, Vaughn and I got a chance to leave the kids for a bit and go out to breakfast. Part of the breakfast was ate in silence and part of the breakfast was ate with tears. However as Vaughn and I discussed it all, the more peace I was given. We both went home- broken hearted, but filled with peace. 

An unexplainable, God-given Peace.

The next few days I had guilt for the peace I felt. How could I feel so at peace knowing I had lost a child? Satan tried to stir in my brain all kinds of false facts. "You must not have loved this baby as much as the others. You are actually happy this baby died. You did something wrong to cause this to happen" etc etc... I fell in those traps, but thankfully didn't stay in them.

Days continued to pass and nothing seemed to change. My body still felt pregnant, but my heart knew the truth. By this time family and a few close friends knew of our situation, but for the most part we kept it to ourselves. Being the factual person I am, I did a lot of research trying to prepare myself for what was to come, but you discover nothing will prepare you for the heartache. Sunday, February 12th, I got to meet my angel baby. Though the process was painful and altogether awful, God revealed Himself in some amazing ways. From the timing of things to the goodness of His people, He was ever present in such an ugly situation!

Even though I've had an unexplainable peace through this journey it doesn't mean my heart stopped hurting. It doesn't mean every time I see a newborn I don't wonder what our lost child would have looked like. It doesn't mean every time I looked at a calendar I didn't count the weeks pregnant I would have been. It simply means that I know God knows best! It doesn't mean I understand why He does things the way He does, but I absolutely believe He does what's best for me because I know how much He loves me!

Why did I share all of this? I'm not sure. Partly because writing it out was healing. Partly because Baby Fahrenbruck #3 did exist, maybe for just a short time, but he/she has changed my life forever and needs to be remembered and honored. But mainly I decided to share this because in this dark time I have felt God's faithfulness, love, and comfort in a way I have never felt before and that needed to be shared!

I know how easily it could have been to resent God and become angry and bitter toward Him. My flesh wanted to, but what would that have done except leave me angry and bitter. I NEEDED God. More than ever. I was broken. I needed His comfort only He could provide and His peace that passes all understanding. I needed His Presence to know that I was never alone no matter how lonely I felt. I sought Him and guess what- He answered!  In the only way He can- bigger and better than what you could ever expect! 

Maybe you are reading this wherever you are with a broken heart, blaming God for your pain. It could be due to your own pain of miscarriage or a loss in another form, but I want to tell you God did not cause this pain. The fall of man and the sin of this world caused this pain. God is the ultimate Healer and Comforter of our pain! He wants to wipe away your tears, heal your broken heart, and give you unexplainable Peace right in midst of your chaos! He knows what is best for you and He WANTS what's best for you! Reach out to God. Ask Him for His Presence. Crawl into His arms and experience a Comfort where you can't find anywhere else! I promise- His arms are already wide open waiting for you!

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”

‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4:6-7‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.”

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭1:3-4‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“I love the Lord because he hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath!”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭116:1-2‬ ‭NLT‬‬